I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
