I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
