420 ftw
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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