So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
