see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
