I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
