Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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