I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
