My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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