Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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