I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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