The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
