i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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