i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
