I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
