I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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