Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
