Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
