ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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