Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
