would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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