Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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