I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
