I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
