Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
