Banned from zoo.
Again?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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