So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
