you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
