Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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