so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
