Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
