"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
