I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
