You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
