wakey wakey hands off snakey
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
