He asked to "fluff my boner.."
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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