why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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