If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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