Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
