I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
