And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
