I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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