you would pick up someone in the library
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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