If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
