bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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