All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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