I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's official drugs can't kill me
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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