We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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