wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
