Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
