Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
