Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
