I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
