I just threw up on my dentist
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
